How we behave in most moments is decided not by the "self" that is conscious but by our sub conscious self. This behaviour has been programmed to protect us. So I am quiet because my father hated noise and it served me better to be quiet. This does not serve me in all the moments of my adult life but it has been my learnt behaviour and so it is my default and most of the time that is how I behave. Behaving in a way that is not your default is scary as it would have led to bad consequences in the past and convincing ourselves that things are different now is not so easy. That is why "facing the fear and doing it anyway" is such a powerful way to behave. It is about being aware "conscious" and choosing to live in a deliberate manner. Identifying the beliefs that underlie our normal behaviour is one way of getting to know our "selves". I now have a better idea of what a self is and so now I can go back to the question of development of that self.